Instruments

In the interests of polemics, ostracizing people and therefore narrowing my future options I thought I'd ocassionally list the things in music that I hate. Today: instruments, sounds and ensembles.

1. Children's choirs

OK, maybe not the kids themselves - they're great - but more the kind of cloying, psuedo-patriotic, simplistic kind of claptrap I so often hear them sing. It seems to me that groups of singing children bring out the worst sentiments in otherwise vigorous composers, just like that.

2. Synthesized strings

Why why why why why? They don't sound anything like real strings so they're not fooling anybody. If you can't afford real strings try rewriting your piece.

3. Harmonica

Again, like children's choirs, it's probably more the repertoire: anything paired with Bob Dylan simply has to go. Likewise, dreary concertos for Larry Adler.

4. Timpani

Fake drums. Tuxedo drums. Drums with ambitions beyond being thumped. If you want melody get a piano.

5. Castanets, wood blocks, in fact most chintzy percussion objects

I repeat: 'chintzy'.

6. Marimba

Oh dear, I shall never get a percussion commission again. OK, it's not so much the instrument but one specific technique. Like the mandolin it's just not a sustaining instrument so why the interminable tremelo? If you want sustain, use a vibraphone.

Of course if you play one of these instruments and are looking for a new piece, help me prove myself wrong.

In all fairness, there are also quite a few instruments that once drew my ire but have now clawed their way into my heart. They include:

1. Bassoon

A very sweet, underrated instrument. Thanks to Clogs I now love its plaintive, hollow whine.

2. Accordion

Ok, so I've jumped the bandwagon - years of strange, avant-garde pieces have endeared it to me irreversibly.

3. Banjo

Once I stopped thinking bluegrass and started thinking The Books I fell in love.

Phew. Rant over. For now.